Trials and Troubles

Today is April 29th, 2014. For the past week I have been stressed. Ive cried a few times but tonight, I lost it. All the stress and anger and pain that I have been hiding away has broken through and has tried its best to wither my joy, goals, and dreams away. I gave myself a pep talk then, for the first time in years, I went to my mother for comfort. Her words helped me more than I thought. I am still feeling weight and pain but I also felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders hearing her words. I cried in front of her too. I am still crying just a little bit. I hold things in way too much. Too much.

Things that have been stressing me and worrying me:

1. Capria. She is back out here in Las Vegas with my grandparents. Jace is here as well. When I first saw him I thought I would cry. I didnt. I prayed that he would be brought back to me and that he would love me and remember me. He did. He reached for me and hugged me. I don't know what he remembers or who he thinks I am to him but my Godson knows that I am important to him. Within a day, literally, Capria got upset for another stupid reason, this time being my grandparents got on her because she isnt feeding Jace correctly, and she left. She is with God Knows Who and Jace is with her. I fear for his life so much it physically hurts me. 
2. My mother and her financial situation. She has struggled since I was born to care for my brother and I, to do her best to provide for us and still, she is struggling. I pray for her that she finds that one career that she is completely happy doing. She gets paid only about $500 a month with this new job she has. Though she is staying because of the cheap/free flights we can get. I wish I could help her now. With bills and anything else.
3. My brother. He has heart problems, has been losing and gaining weight, and stressing just as much as I have. He listens to Metal music and I fear its taking over his life again. He was speaking of America's Got Talent earlier today and it was all positive. I just hope this year, it stays and he makes it through. He deserves it. 
4. My father. God knows there is TOO much to say about this one. He still has seizures and I'm fearing that he has been having minor strokes in the midst of the seizures as well. He forgets things way too easily and quickly and has chest pains here and there. He also has been losing weight.
5. My grandparents. The more days pass the closer their deaths come. I understand this is a part of life and not to be mean, I'd rather it go in order as it should, but I am NOT ready to lose either of my grandparents. I am not ready mentally. Though I am  trying to prepare myself for that day. I fear it wont be a easily acceptable death for either of them. Though I pray it will be quick and painless for them. 
6. My future. I have so many dreams. I know myself and I refuse to deny that I want a lavish rich lifestyle. I want to do and buy what I want, when I want, where I want, how I want, and with/for who I want. WITH MY OWN MONEY. I don't want to depend on ANYONE for financial assistance. I want my own business because I do not want to work for anyone either. I just don't see the sense in working hard for little pay when you can do your own thing, work hard, get paid little in the beginning but then flourish into something big and world wide. I want my own. It scares me though because I haven't gotten close to anything I want yet. Sure I have bought things that I have wanted for a long time, I plan on getting an iPad next month, but that all comes from my school refund. It isn't technically MY money that is buying these things and that infuriates me. The car has been slowly giving out on us, the brakes are basically gone though I know God will find a way for them to be fixed without the $435 pricetag on them, seeing as we do not have the funds for that. That means, my mother has to miss two days of work this week. That is going to cause more stress for my family because her checks are already low. I cannot wait to get out of this lifestyle. I understand that I must work hard to leave this place, but my comfort zone will not allow me to do so. The same goes for my mother, I think. She hasnt gotten pretty far either, though she does have almost 50 followers on her blog which I am very proud of her for. 

My faith in God, since Capria left early this morning with Jace, has been fluctuating. and I am fully ashamed of that. I have stressed so hard this month that I brought my monthly menstrual on two entire weeks early. and I am still stressing, though writing this is making me feel better. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. I have to know and understand that no matter how hard it gets, because it will get hard, I have to stay focused. I have to trust in God because he knows exactly what is in store. He has so much abundance waiting for me. I just have to show him that I deserve it and am ready for it. I have to stop being afraid of getting out there and taking chances. I have to be more social. I have to not be afraid of love. Which is another thing I worry about. I fear that I will be alone and I do not want that. Sure I say it, only because I am stubborn. Truth is, I want love. I want children. A husband that I can cook and clean for. Who loves me through thick and thin, who I can grow old with and who I fall in love with every single day. I want that. Along with my independence and career. But I am so stubborn and afraid I fear I may never let that happen. But hell, when you're in my shoes, can you really blame me? Nobody talks to me, nobody likes me, nobody flirts with me and nobody see's me as a serious girlfriend. My dream guy? Michael Jackson. Can't have him so who do I pick next? Tom Hiddleston.  Though it can happen with Tom, I'm afraid I will fuck it up like I do almost everything because of fear. 

I have to stop being afraid, stop losing faith, stop questioning God. It's hard but for my life and my future, all those included, I have to trust in HIM fully and completely.