Trials and Troubles

Today is April 29th, 2014. For the past week I have been stressed. Ive cried a few times but tonight, I lost it. All the stress and anger and pain that I have been hiding away has broken through and has tried its best to wither my joy, goals, and dreams away. I gave myself a pep talk then, for the first time in years, I went to my mother for comfort. Her words helped me more than I thought. I am still feeling weight and pain but I also felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders hearing her words. I cried in front of her too. I am still crying just a little bit. I hold things in way too much. Too much.

Things that have been stressing me and worrying me:

1. Capria. She is back out here in Las Vegas with my grandparents. Jace is here as well. When I first saw him I thought I would cry. I didnt. I prayed that he would be brought back to me and that he would love me and remember me. He did. He reached for me and hugged me. I don't know what he remembers or who he thinks I am to him but my Godson knows that I am important to him. Within a day, literally, Capria got upset for another stupid reason, this time being my grandparents got on her because she isnt feeding Jace correctly, and she left. She is with God Knows Who and Jace is with her. I fear for his life so much it physically hurts me. 
2. My mother and her financial situation. She has struggled since I was born to care for my brother and I, to do her best to provide for us and still, she is struggling. I pray for her that she finds that one career that she is completely happy doing. She gets paid only about $500 a month with this new job she has. Though she is staying because of the cheap/free flights we can get. I wish I could help her now. With bills and anything else.
3. My brother. He has heart problems, has been losing and gaining weight, and stressing just as much as I have. He listens to Metal music and I fear its taking over his life again. He was speaking of America's Got Talent earlier today and it was all positive. I just hope this year, it stays and he makes it through. He deserves it. 
4. My father. God knows there is TOO much to say about this one. He still has seizures and I'm fearing that he has been having minor strokes in the midst of the seizures as well. He forgets things way too easily and quickly and has chest pains here and there. He also has been losing weight.
5. My grandparents. The more days pass the closer their deaths come. I understand this is a part of life and not to be mean, I'd rather it go in order as it should, but I am NOT ready to lose either of my grandparents. I am not ready mentally. Though I am  trying to prepare myself for that day. I fear it wont be a easily acceptable death for either of them. Though I pray it will be quick and painless for them. 
6. My future. I have so many dreams. I know myself and I refuse to deny that I want a lavish rich lifestyle. I want to do and buy what I want, when I want, where I want, how I want, and with/for who I want. WITH MY OWN MONEY. I don't want to depend on ANYONE for financial assistance. I want my own business because I do not want to work for anyone either. I just don't see the sense in working hard for little pay when you can do your own thing, work hard, get paid little in the beginning but then flourish into something big and world wide. I want my own. It scares me though because I haven't gotten close to anything I want yet. Sure I have bought things that I have wanted for a long time, I plan on getting an iPad next month, but that all comes from my school refund. It isn't technically MY money that is buying these things and that infuriates me. The car has been slowly giving out on us, the brakes are basically gone though I know God will find a way for them to be fixed without the $435 pricetag on them, seeing as we do not have the funds for that. That means, my mother has to miss two days of work this week. That is going to cause more stress for my family because her checks are already low. I cannot wait to get out of this lifestyle. I understand that I must work hard to leave this place, but my comfort zone will not allow me to do so. The same goes for my mother, I think. She hasnt gotten pretty far either, though she does have almost 50 followers on her blog which I am very proud of her for. 

My faith in God, since Capria left early this morning with Jace, has been fluctuating. and I am fully ashamed of that. I have stressed so hard this month that I brought my monthly menstrual on two entire weeks early. and I am still stressing, though writing this is making me feel better. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. I have to know and understand that no matter how hard it gets, because it will get hard, I have to stay focused. I have to trust in God because he knows exactly what is in store. He has so much abundance waiting for me. I just have to show him that I deserve it and am ready for it. I have to stop being afraid of getting out there and taking chances. I have to be more social. I have to not be afraid of love. Which is another thing I worry about. I fear that I will be alone and I do not want that. Sure I say it, only because I am stubborn. Truth is, I want love. I want children. A husband that I can cook and clean for. Who loves me through thick and thin, who I can grow old with and who I fall in love with every single day. I want that. Along with my independence and career. But I am so stubborn and afraid I fear I may never let that happen. But hell, when you're in my shoes, can you really blame me? Nobody talks to me, nobody likes me, nobody flirts with me and nobody see's me as a serious girlfriend. My dream guy? Michael Jackson. Can't have him so who do I pick next? Tom Hiddleston.  Though it can happen with Tom, I'm afraid I will fuck it up like I do almost everything because of fear. 

I have to stop being afraid, stop losing faith, stop questioning God. It's hard but for my life and my future, all those included, I have to trust in HIM fully and completely. 

Chapter 1 page 28

I just found out that my grandma has an enlarged heart. I dont know how to feel about this. Im worried. I know my family wont live forever and my grandparents being up in age with all the stress they deal with. But it still is scary. I cant allow myself to worry, to be afraid....i just...i want my grandparents with me a little longer. I wanna make them proud before they leave. Before they go home. Thats what scares me. Not knowing if theyre proud of me before they leave. Ive never dealt with this personally save for Michael. I remember my cousin Pats funeral....i only cried because my mom.was crying. I didnt know Pat personally. I wasnt attached to him. I dont know how im going to take it when my grandparents leave. I pray that i have a few more years with them. I am going to officially prepare myself. Knowing she has an enlarged heart kind of confirms it for me that she wont be here forever. And now i have to ready myself for when they leave. Be it soon.or not. Im just going to pray. My grandfather on the other hand doesnt need insulin anymore. So that is a blessing. Now its just his stress i have to worry about.

Chapter 1 page 9

Its 12:47pm and im currently at Valley hospital with my family. My dad had court today and ended up having 5 seizures in the courtroom. The paramedics brought him here and now we are all sitting in the waiting room because he needs to be seen but the hospital is busy so he is out here in the waiting room with us. I didnt get much sleep last night and im tired.

I did my workout last night including 20 minutes of yoga and 50 squats. I felt so good and proud of myself. Elisabeth and I agreed to reward ourselves for every 5lbs lost with a concert of Michael. We are saving Toronto for when we reach our goal of 160. We both want that weight shockingly. That is my goal as of now. When i reach that size i will decide if i want to lose more or not. I like having thighs and i want hips and a bigger butt. Plus my boobs. I just wanna perk them up a bit. Tone my arms and get a flatter stomach and ill be set. I know that i wont have my dream body, more than likely, but those are my goals. And i will be happy when i reach them. Im continually getting more confident in myself also. If i dont love myself now i wont love myself when i lose my weight.

Today at Panda Express as my back was turned and I was putting my food in my car, a homeless man came up to me asking for some money to have a chicken dinner tonight at the salvation army. As I was walking to my car, I looked all around as I usually do and saw nobody but as soon as I turned my back, he appeared. I gave him some money and my mom did as well. He then gave us a spiritual awakening...for me at least. He mentioned that someone in my family is an Eastern Star and Mason, my grandmother and grandfather on my mothers side are exactly that. He went on to give us more inspirational words and a prayer. He was so sweet and I just know that was God talking to us. An angel or something spiritual. Someone watching out for us, letting us know that though things may seem hard, we are NEVER alone. I have also noticed and been thankful for how blessed I have been this year. All last year I felt that 2014 would be the year for me to finally make a stamp on the world, no matter how big or small it may be, I'm going to do something important this year and I will make myself proud. I will make a difference and I still feel that way. This is my year. Something great is going to happen....I can feel it.

Chapter 1. Page 4

I meant to start this on the 1st day of 2014. Unfortunately I forgot. So here I am starting it now. I've never been very good at writing journals or diaries but I want to record my life from this year on. I know the time for my life to be read will come one day and I want to give as much detail as I can for those who want to know me and my life story. I won't go into details of my years before now, just yet. That will be done at a much later time.

Today. I woke up with a headache. It was bright a sunny. I woke up with last night on my mind. It was horrible, last night. I broke down and cried because of frustrations I couldn't control. I was mad at myself for letting that happen. It's only the 4th day of the new year and already I'm crying, frustrated and upset. But now, writing this, I am happy, relieved, jubilated, and content. The landlord, Mr. Wu, came over today. I had to give him $50 because yesterday went wrong and my mother wasn't able to get her check. She owed him $70, but he will receive the $20 when we can give it to him. Had I had it, I would have gave it to him. My mom doesn't want me helping out with financial problems because I'm her child, but really I'm 22 years old and still am fully dependent on my parents. I want to help out as much as I can. I want to become independent. I want my own. So I'm helping out. Plus it gives a break on my mom. At least, I pray it does.

Dee was frustrated yesterday because the same problem: we still have our financial struggles and in the end, it all falls on our mom. He wants to help out like I can, with money but I told him today, he's only 16. He doesn't need to worry about that. Granted when I was his age, I worried, stressed, and cried just like he did yesterday when I couldn't help my mom. But his day will come and he will make her very very proud. So will I.

My dad.....he's a daily challenge for all of us. While I love him, he is holding us back. I finally admitted to my mom today, well I hinted, that since he is sick and has trouble doing things on his own...we should put him in a home. If he doesn't want to do that, then that is his decision. He is so stubborn. When we move to Atlanta, and I am moving there within the next two years, if God see's me fit for the move, he already said that he doesn't want to go with us. So he either needs to move back to California with his side of the family or move into a home. I would worry daily about him if he lived by himself. He's very sick now. Forgetting things minutes after they happen. He still has his seizures, he has chest pains, leg pains, I'm afraid he has already had a minor stroke and he seems to be developing Alzheimer disease. I would like him to be taken care of.

The firs three days have been a little down. Which I have to change immediately. Literally before 12:00pm hit on Dec. 31st, 2013, I was positive, happy, feeling great. Once it hit, everything seemed to change. I got tired, lazy, a little down, and a bit moody. I didn't like it at all and I started to worry that my whole year would be like this. But I've told myself, am still am, that a few days will NOT control my entire year. It's only if I believe it and I dont. I'm going to progress this year and flourish. No matter how big or small I'm doing SOMETHING positive and great that will impact my life for the better. I will be a better, healthier, more confident person as well. Financially, things are already looking better. I actually havent a single hint of worry financially and it will stay that way from here on out. I will start selling my cookies, and gain at least 5 loyal costumers this year as well. That is my goal.

I want so much in life, material wise and just mentally. I want richness. In everything. Clothes, accessories, books, traveling, I want so much. That is why I'm changing my attitude, save for the damn near impossible moods of PMS, and am having a damn good year and will hopefully brighten those around me.

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I came home and took a nap. I was so tired. I had Panera Bread for lunch. It was really good! I had the Chicken Cobb with Avocado salad with bread on the side. Delish! I wanted to watch a few movies tonight but I slept for so long. It's only 7:27pm but I'm still tired. I might just fall asleep again. I am beginning to feel hungry so I will go make some dinner!

inches wasted!!!

hello dear readers!! im very proud to announce that i have lost 7 1/2 pounds as well as 7 inches(altogether) since I've bought the Michael Jackson Experience!!!! yay me!!! I honestly have never lost this much before so im super happy about it!!! my weight is now 214.6lbs and my inches Top: 48 (the boobages just keep on growing >.> ) waist: 43 !!! 3 inches off! and hips: 45 !!! so yes i am slowly but surely making progress and its noticable too! just wanted to inform you all on this lovely glory found today!

years later after not updating the weight program!

Hello world! It is snookie-boop and im finally updating my weight! *screams and cheers* i know i know. it’s been too long! but im here to give you good news! i have finally lost some weight! check out my other post about MJ the Experience and you’ll find out why and how ;) but ive lost some more. About 2 more pounds so all together i’ve lost 7 1/2 pounds!!! yay me!! I shall keep it up and update yall as much as i can with this now that im playing the game daily.

* random thought* i really love my MJ glove for the mouse icon on my blog! :-o

Officially Unique!!

I just found her on twitter yesterday after making a new account for myself and i must say i’m glad i did. She’s a model, actress and singer! She does it good too. I was very impressed with her youtube videos. Very Hard worker, doing her thang and doing it big. She’s informed me she already has some offers thanks to her videos on youtube. I truly hope she goes far with this. I see much potential in this artist and her mixtape is coming soon. when she updates me I will update you. Visit her  Youtube Facebook and her Twitter to find out more!

(Some inside little random thoughts of mine and notes on Unique….she has WONDERFUL hair and a very gorgeous smile! Very sweet and real too. Just noticed she loves my idols…Michael and Janet Jackson!!! Yall know thats a plus ;) )

here’s a video of her singing to get a feel of the voice you all will be hearing very soon on the radio everywhere! Help support her now, you all know you’d want the support as well.